Pretty Girl Anxiety and Thoughts About Destiny

January 2, 2012

Beautiful girls with a great fashion sense scare the very breath out of me. I treat them like I treat my favorite animal (snakes): if you stumble upon one in the wild, run away, screaming like a little girl. I just had a run in not 30 minutes previous to writing this with a gorgeous girl at a coffee shop. She was standing back from the counter, the only one in line, and my eyes recognized her beauty. No lie. In just about every way physically possible this girl was beautiful. She stood there, poised with grace like a dancer. The barista asked me what I wanted. In a gesture of kindness and gentlemanliness, all I did was turn around to ask if Gorgeous ordered yet, and my heart raced out of my chest like a bomb squad officer working his magic. She said, in a tone I perceived to be snotty, that she was waiting for someone. “Boyfriend,” I thought to myself. My head got away from me, and, still in shock, I ordered the first thing that came to mind: a medium mocha. If her just standing there sent a shockwave through my soul like a bullet bouncing off the Liberty Bell, I’d imagine I’d die of heart failure if I was in New York City during fashion week. That is, if I didn’t run away first. Just think what would happen if a girl like this was interested in me. I don’t think I’m ready to see Peter at the pearly gates yet.

I hadn’t been able to place my finger on why I get so afraid until recently, when I had to tell a girl how I felt about her. If I hadn’t, I would’ve created my own tornadic atmospheric disturbance over Bemidji with the confusion swirling in my heart.

There’s this important verse in the Bible. It says, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Growing up and in my early adult christian life, heavy emphasis was placed on the “love your neighbor” part. Typical “shoulds” of the church. “You should do this; shouldn’t do that.” But, until recently, I wasn’t aware of the context on that loaded verse: you love as well as you love you. It’s like I missed it for years, hearing it over and over again, but never truly listening to what is being said. I’m commanded to love my neighbor as I love myself. In other words, loving others needs to be in proportion to how I love myself. I’m no more, or less, important than any other person.

I realize now that I have beauty-triggered anxiety attacks because I don’t love myself as well as I thought. Lacking love for myself actually prevents me from receiving love from others. This girl wasn’t waiting for her boyfriend, but a friend.¹ And I’m willing to bet I heard the snotty nasal drippage in her voice because I didn’t want to think I could actually interact with a beautiful girl.

I’ve been contemplating this concept of love in relation to destiny a lot lately. I believe there’s an incredible tie between the identity/destiny component of life and loving yourself. In fact, I believe the first step toward your destiny is loving who you are. In order to love yourself, you have to know who you are in the first place. There’s no magical formula to finding yourself, but you can start by appreciating what you appreciate. What matters to you does actually matter to God. Your desires and dreams are on His heart because they’re on yours. Yes, there’s lots of emphasis on doing God’s will in His word, but that’s because He’s defining our role in the relationship. Love isn’t self-seeking. We seek His heart; He seeks ours. Love is reciprocal. Having this understanding that God values our hearts, we become empowered to chase what matters to us because it matters to Him. Likewise, He can do what is on His heart because it matters to us. We will value the gifts He gives when we value the Giver.

Nothing is more important than seeking who we are in Him and who He is in us. It’s that very knowledge (and I’m not talking head knowledge, but truly knowing in your heart) that is the basis for pursuing our destiny. It boggles my mind how many people in our culture don’t know who they are, but it makes sense. Our lives have been dictated by controlling culture devoid of love and relationship from the get-go. Who would people feel they could be who they are without fearing repercussion in a culture dictated by shoulds and should-nots? In truth, love frees. So, by loving yourself, you give freedom to you to be who you are. That includes the freedom to make mistakes² without fear of punishment. Progress isn’t made without a lot of failures on the way.

Thus the case I’m making: the soil of freedom, the light of love, and the water of grace is the optimal growing environment for the seed of destiny in our hearts. Loving yourself creates the environment around you for you to be you. As you explore who you are, others are empowered to do the same. Purpose is contagious.